Voluptuous and proud (I think)

big and beautiful

No matter what size you are, the one thing I have learnt is that confidence will win the day.  It has taken me 42 years to discover this, and I am still on the journey.  I came across this picture recently and immediately thought, “wow, she looks so beautiful”.  I didn’t look at her body; I looked at her face, her hair and the sparkle in her eyes.

But it’s a whole different story when I look at myself.  All I see is what’s wrong, and I am not alone in this.  I see my tummy that’s too big, my legs that have just started to rub together at the top and my breasts that are not as perky as they use to be to name just a few.  Why is it that I can’t look at myself as I do this beautiful girl in the picture?  I am even a little smaller than her.  But no, those voices start with the nasty chatter and can stay with me for hours, sometimes days.  

I spent a lot of 2008 working on this voice inside me that wants to trip me up at every turn.  It’s usually a she, but sometimes the voice is a he.  Today that voice is not as loud as it’s been previously in my life.  It took a lot of courage and pain to get to where I am today.  I spent two months in 5 hours of therapy a day, 5 days a week and I still attend weekly appointments with my psychiatrist.  It helps.  A lot.

I just read this snippet from Oprah’s web site and for me it really rang true:  

“My goal isn’t to be thin. My goal is for my body to be the weight it can hold—to be strong and healthy and fit, to be itself. My goal is to learn to embrace this body and to be grateful every day for what it has given me” 

It’s why I have embarked on this journey – to look and feel healthy and beautiful no matter what my size.  I realize now that my body was unhappy with me and it just got bigger and bigger until I had to pay attention to it.

Dear body:  you have been heard.

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